Crushing Kerouac

Crushing Kerouac

It recently came to our attention here at Beatdom that our very own Edaurdo Jones’s grandfather (whom we all call “Gramps Jones”) once played High school football against Jack Kerouac.

Naturally, we got Gramps to sit down and answer some questions about playing football against one of America’s most influential authors.

So is it true you played High school football against Jack Kerouac?

It sure is.

Do you think you could tell us about it?

It’s been many years since I took to the gridiron against Jack “Twinkle Toes” Kerouac on a blistering cold November day in 1937… but I remember it like it was yesterday. I was the starting quarterback for Punchard High in Andover, Massachusetts, and old Twinkle Toes played half back for Lowell High school. I remember the wind was blowing 50 MPH in both directions that day as we took the field to do battle like gladiators in the golden autumn sun.

They called me Billy Banana back in those days – due to the fact I’d slip past the defense men like a banana peel on a freshly waxed floor. Lowell’s defense might as well have been cooking French fries with boxing gloves on during this game. They’d zig and I’d zag in the pocket. I remember hurling a 99 yard hail Mary straight into “Sticky hands” Lynch’s numbers just before half time, tying the game at 49-49. I ran 5 of the 7 touchdown we scored myself through the 3 feet of snow that had fallen on the field in a freak blizzard that struck the area that day.

They didn’t call the game on account of snow?

Jesus no! We were real men in those days. We didn’t have all those pansy pads and stuff they wear nowadays. All we had was a leather helmet to keep our brains from flying out our ears if we got hit too hard. Snow was nothing to us.

Could you tell us little bit about Kerouac on the field.

Old Twinkle toes was a thing of beauty on the field. He’d bound over tacklers like a mountain goat. He was like a runaway locomotive once he got some momentum. He was dirty bastard in the bottom of the dog pile though. He once bit a linebacker right in the family jewels, fighting over the pigskin in the bottom of the pile. He was always gauging eyes and throwing kidney punches or giving somebody fish hooks.

That’s rather unsportsman-like conduct.

Maybe to a generation of panty wastes like you. But to real men that’s the way you play in the bottom of the pile. Victory by any means!

So you didn’t mind Kerouac’s dirty tactics?

Hell no! We respected him more for it!

I’m finding it kind of hard to believe Kerouac was such a viscous menace after reading his books.

He was a beast and a man’s man until he moved to NYC and linked up with that goddamn no-good Beatnik Allen whatever-the-hell-his-name-is and he started filling his head up with that love, peace and happiness crapola!

Let’s get back to the game. Who ended up winning?

We did, of course! Old Twinkle Toes played a good game but he was no match for us. Final score was 125-121.

Isn’t that kind of a high score for a football game?

Not when real men are playing, and not some sissy boys running around with 50 pounds of protective gear!

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Author: David S. Wills

David S. Wills is the founder and editor of Beatdom magazine and the author of The Dog Farm. He travels a lot, and is currently working as a professor in China. His latest book is called Scientologist! William S. Burroughs the Weird Cult. You can read more about and by David at his blog, www.davidswills.com or on Tumblr.

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2 Comments

  1. Les enfants terribles, mais oui! Bildingsroman,viola!
    The Subterraneans – Catcher in the Rye: discuss.

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  2. Wow, how much do you suck? Have fun being poor all your life, ESL teacher. Next to personal trainers, and restaurant managers, I’d have to say that ESL teachers are just about the douchiest people out there… Your oh so hipsteresque website proves it. Guess what, weakling… These shit neither makes you edgy, nor intersecting. I read your blog; it sucks. Please do like your hero Jack Kerouac (the racist misogynist) and proceed to killing yourself slowly.

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